White teeth

I don’t do teeth whitening.

Before you read further, please understand that I am not judging anyone who likes to do teeth whitening. This is merely a description of my personal journey.


The photo above is my teeth — altered by Photoshop. Reality is dark, stained teeth that have seen years of coffee drinking, tetracycline ingestion as a kid, and general abuse. (However, many of you know that I am a fan of toothpaste.)

Why don’t I invest in making my teeth whiter?

  1. Time. It would either require a laborious application of teeth-whitening strips or several visits to a dentist. And then, a year from now, more of the same.
  2. Money. Strips are expensive, and visits to the dentist for whitening are more so.
  3. Lack of caring about cultural trends. I don’t care enough about what our culture values to participate in this particular exercise.
  4. Saving the whales. Studies have shown that excessive use of white strips causes stunted growth in fetal whales, from the chemicals being washed out to sea and entering plankton.

Well, that last one is made up.

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